Drained

Posted: December 4, 2014 in Personal
Tags: , , ,

I spend the better part of my time exhausted. I’d like to sleep, but I can’t really and when I do, it’s not for long. And when I do, the nightmares come. And when they do I turn the TV on. I just need the sound to clean my mind out. I don’t even what to think about what I think about. At 28 I obsess about my mortality which I’m sure is shortening my lifespan. I’d like to stop but I can’t. The pain kills me, so I drink to dull it but then it comes back full force like I owe it. It owns me. It is me. Temporary relief is like that extra pay check you get when there are 3 pay days in a month, but the check is spent before you get it. It’s just an illusion. The fear of ruining my life doesn’t exist. My life is fine. The fear of ruining the lives of those invested in my life is too real. Their lives mean so much more to me. I care, though I’m not sure I have the time to. I wish I was one of those cut throat people. They cut through time. To them it’s all a straight line. I care, though I’m not sure I have the energy to. I hide it as well as I can out of habit not to answer the questions. Who wants to take a pop quiz on what’s wrong with them every time they see someone? It’s getting harder though. The secret’s out. I would’ve liked to remember to hide it better, but the fog won’t allow it. I apologize for my texts, they help me remember. I love your voices, I do, but I’ll forget them. I apologize for these words. Feel free to forget them…

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