Unconscious Self Perception

Posted: December 8, 2015 in Personal
Tags: , , ,

So, I had a dream last night. Nothing special there, it happens. What was weird was how things played out. I assume I was at a festival or carnival. For whatever reason, I was constantly walking against the flow of foot traffic. As innumerable blank faces drifted by me, I started to see people I recognized. Whether the subconscious training of the new Millennium has damaged me or I just simply can’t believe someone would remember me, I usually don’t speak to people in public I recognize unless they acknowledge me first. I know, that’s pretty lame, but *shrug* sue me. Anyway, by the time I saw the 5th or 6th person, I thought back to a random Facebook post that said something to the effect of, “how many of you would even speak if you saw me in real life, yet we’re ‘friends’ on Facebook”. I thought that was a damn good point and began greeting every familiar face in the crowd. Here’s where I got a little tripped out: instead of getting a smile or wave back, I heard what that person thought of me. It was as if “This is Your Life” was a mobile game and everyone you touched had a single line of dialogue about you. As I kept greeting Facebook friends, Twitter followers and the like, I came to the crushing realization that if they even knew who I was, they really didn’t give a fuck about me. By the time I got to the exit, which was apparently where I was heading all this time, the entire crowd turned dark save a handful of random lights within it. I assume those are the ones who knew me/had something positive to say. Then I woke up, cold as hell in bed, with a cat on my chest.
At first, I was pretty upset with the thought that so many people I had nothing bad to say about had so much negative to say about me. I really look up to some of them, albeit from afar, and they inspire me to do more with my music and writing everyday. Then I considered, since it’s just a dream and I have no idea what any of these people ACTUALLY think of me, maybe it’s just me. Maybe my self image and my perception of myself is so terrible I would believe people could so easily discount me. Either side of that kinda sucks honestly.
Whichever is true doesn’t really matter in the end though. My life is what it is and it is the path that I’ve chosen. If people don’t respect that *shrug* tough. Most people don’t respect foresight until the vision is reality right in front of their stupid face. If somewhere deep inside I doubt me, I’ll just have to prove myself wrong and make shit happen whether I believe I can or not. Man…that’s a story isn’t it? Man defying the odds. Proved himself wrong for not believing in himself lol. Ah, ok I’m done. Go back to the real world and be productive.

*Feature Image Credit: Antwain Jackson*

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Comments
  1. great, man. always hunting for some real insight on not only who i am being to a lot of people, but what the perspective is on who people THINK i’m being. dig? like, here on one hand, i might be thinking that i’m being this funny guy, etc. but in the meantime, i might just be coming across as a callous dude with nothing but negative ire to throw out there. for real, who really ever steps up and says, “hey man. cool that negative stuff out. i know you don’t mean to, but you’re coming across from a real dark place.”

    that mobile app, though? needs to happen.

    • LMAO it’s wild, I’m sitting here trying to be constructive and it’s still on my mind. Like, am I talking too much about what I’m talking about? Am I that annoying guy that everyone knows ain’t shit but me? It’s so crazy trying to infiltrate minds of others and then interpret what you THINK you understand. Minds are stupid lol

  2. Hakeem says:

    Good stuff, now go Sparta kick that “self doubting you” and scream “I! WILL! MAKE! IT!” as he falls…then write a dope song about it! He’s gonna keep getting back up, so keep your kick game on point…

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